home is burning

When I first came home to visit after leaving for college years ago, I excitedly approached our racist, Holocaust surviving Polish cleaning lady, Stana, hoping for a warm hug and a pat on the ass, maybe even a, “Wow, it’s so great to see you, Dan. Home isn’t the same without you.”

Instead, Stana took one look at me and said, “Oh, Danny, your face is so fat. You leavin’ for college and you is comin’ home with fat face.”

The grin faded from my fat face as I was slapped with the first comment that implied that I was getting older and more irresponsible with my body and health. I had been called many things throughout my life, mainly complimentary, things like, “Awesome,” or, “bad ass,” or, “Big Dick Dan,” or, “Awesome, bad ass, Big Dick Dan,” but I had never been called, “fat.”

Those simple words created what psychologist would call a complex. I now saw myself as owning a fat face. It soon became a part of my identity. I would say things like, “I have such a fat, fucking face,” and would assume everyone saw me as, “That fat ass with an even fatter face.” I tried exercising, but found it hard to lose weight in just my face. I tried sucking in my cheeks, but that seems to build cheek muscles that made my face even fatter.

I was finally able to grow a scrappy beard, that I currently sport.  I figured that people would mistake the fatness in my face for the fluffiness of my beard. Additionally, it seemed to give my face a thinner shape. 

I came home from graduate school sporting the aforementioned beard. I woke up and walked up stairs to Stana’s pleasant humming. I expected her to say, “Danny, you is lookin’ so good. Stana is bettin’ that you is gettin’ at sort of, how called, pussy in Los Angeles.”

Instead she said, “Oh Danny, you is need to get yourself together. You is lookin’, how called, homeless. You is need pull self, how called, together. You is shavin’ beard, and cuttin’ hair, and maybe one day, you is be a handsome boy again.”

So, in the eyes of Stana, either I shave my beard and have a fat face, or keep it and look like shit. Either way, Stana is no, how called, approvin’.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 26th, 2009 at 8:33 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.