home is burning

As always, my New Year’s Resolution was to stop being such a unhealthy fatass. I assisted in my reaching of this resolution by signing up for a gym membership at Bally’s Total Fitness (I would just say Bally’s, but you might get it confused with the hotel in Las Vegas, so I tacked on the “Total Fitness”).

My Mom sent me a text asking how things were going. I responded by saying, “Everything is going well. I joined a gym. Love you.”

Her response: “God for u! Is it near your house? That will be something you really enjoy, but Dan, u r NOT fat. You’re very good looking and u have intoxicating eyes and a great smile. You r fun, funny and a hoot to be with. I love u soooooo much, Dan, and I expect great things out of you!!!”

It’s good to know that even if I and the rest of the world doesn’t find me to be thin, attractive, or funny, at least my good old Mom does.

As we waited in a room designated specifically for waiting while the nurses and doctors finished sewing back up what was left of my little sister, Michelle’s, vagina after she gave birth to her second child in 11 months, I fucked around with my other little sister, Chelsea, the one who will not only not be giving birth any time soon, but the one who will probably not even be getting laid any time soon, just like me. I made retard jokes. She made fat asshole jokes.

“You’re so retarded you could have a retarded baby with no arms and a dick on the bottom of his left foot,” I said.

“You’re so fat you could have a baby made of poop,” she said.

“Well, we should put you back in mom so your brain can finish developing so maybe you won’t have Aspergers,” I said.

“Well, we should put you back in mom so your brain can finish developing, so maybe you won’t be an asshole,” she said.

In our family, discovery of sex jokes means that we have finally graduated into adulthood. Well, that’s not entirely true or I would have been labeled an adult at the age of 12 when I discovered then subsequently made my first thousand blowjob jokes. But it is a passage into a more developed, less mature adult mindset. I final realized that my little sister, Chelsea, was approaching this more developed state when she noted that she had discovered the second meaning to the Christmas song “Here Comes Santa Claus”.

Chelsea: Hey Danny, I used found out the second meaning in that song “Here Comes Santa Claus”.

Me: [Playing along] What do you mean?

Chelsea: [Making jack-off motion with her hand] You know, cum, like sperm from a penis.

Me: [Patting her on the shoulder] Chelsea, you’re finally a man now.

Chelsea: A man?

Me: I meant woman, well, an adult.

Chelsea: [Singing and making jack-off motion with hands] “Here cums Santa Claus”.